I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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