I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I have so many feelings about this burrito
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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