Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
