ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
