True but thats because hes a fetus.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
