hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Randomize
