No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
