Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
