she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
