then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
