Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
