I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Randomize
