community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
