It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
