No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
