I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
