He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
