She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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