Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
