i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
