quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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