Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
