Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
