it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
