Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
