someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
