I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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