Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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