i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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