seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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