Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
