Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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