i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
