ya dads aren't the best wingmen
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
