Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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