Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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