I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
