the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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