Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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