Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
