i love accidental penises.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
God, I missed his penis.
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