I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
