My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
