Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
