she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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