I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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