My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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