I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
