Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My vagina is officially offended.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
