Im at strip club and am horny
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
