It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
